Seven Feet Under
by Geoera
Summary: Crack!Fic involving Shang-Hi-Rummy, Toothpicks, and creepy voices. Has Jibbs, Tiva, and one sided McAbby! The McLoverBoy side.
1. ShangHiRummy and a Toothpick

**My first Crack!Fic I think you guys will find this very happy in comparison with Trigger. Unless you like Vance... Because, as many people have done and will continue to do, I am killing Vance. :) Well, enough with my ramblings. If I owned NCIS Tony and Ziva would of already done the deed and would be planning on telling Gibbs. This is not happening, therefore, I do not own NCIS.**

Ziva walked into the bathroom, humming and whistling. Like the fact that Vance being found dead was normal. This was so unlike whenever anyone else in the close knit agency was killed. Cynthia actually cheered when they found a toothpick shoved up his ass and his throat slit. She sighed, cleaning off her hands. This was going to be a great day. She could just feel it as she left the bathroom.

"Hi Jenny.", Ziva passed the dead director in the hall. Wai-wai-wait. Jenny was dead right? As in, kneed the bucket, seven feet under, no, it was kicked the bucket...

"Hi Ziva.", Jenny replied stopping.

"What are you-", Ziva started.

"Doing here? I got bored.", Jenny smiled.

"How did-", Ziva tried again.

"I get back? Satan is very bad at Shang Hi Rummy.", Jenny smiled and continued on her way.

"Well that was-", Jenny stopped Ziva mid-sentence again.

"Interesting.", Jenny voiced.

"Would you-", Ziva was getting a little mad at the Director.

"Stop finishing your sentences.", Jenny smiled coyly at Ziva.

"Yes!", Ziva shouted and threw her hands up.

"Sorry.", Jenny shrugged and walked up the stairs. Ziva walked past her, back to the bullpen. Still humming something that sounded like a mix between Girlfriend and 21 Guns. Tony looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

"Hey, hey, you, you, I want to be your girlfriend! No way, no way … … Twenty-One guns!", Ziva twirled around the bullpen singing.

"Why are you so happy? Someone shove a toothpick up your ass?", Tony asked in a joking manner, he was late and had not known about the plight of the "beloved" director.

"No. Vance's.", Gibbs marched into the bullpen with a coffee in his hand. Not his usual, it had the word soy scribbled on the side.

"Whoa boss, you goin' fru-fru on me?", Tony asked, eying the word Soy. His answer was in the form of a well aimed Gibbs slap. Ziva stopped her singing and twirling for a moment to laugh.

"Vance got a toothpick shoved up his ass?!?", Tony asked like an excited kid.

"Sure did.", Jenny walked back down the stairs.

"Hey, how'd you-", Jenny cut Tony off.

"Get here? Satan is terrible at Poker.", Jenny laughed.

"I thought you said-", Ziva tried to intervene.

"Shang-Hi-Rummy? Yes, that too.", Jenny turned her attention to Jethro, who was looking at her with his Gibbs stare.

"Something wrong with my clothes?", Jenny laughed. Surprised Tony had not noticed the clothing she chose to wear. A black string bikini. Tony started drooling. Gibbs slapped him again. Ziva returned from her spinning only to tackle Tony to the ground.

"For extra measure.", She replied when everyone was staring at her, they all shrugged and got back to what they were doing.

**UNDER TONY'S DESK**

"I thought Jenny was seven feet under!", Ziva whisper yelled at Tony.

"Six Ziva, six feet under. Why did they let you in here?", He asked the air. Though a strange voice replied.

"Because they were scared of her...", The voice was high and girly, but definitely belonged to a man.

"That was not weird at all...", Tony replied.

"Ten bucks to whoever finds it first.", Ziva smirked.

"You're on.", Tony replied, winking, and trying to stand up, only to remember he had been tackled under a desk... Ow.

**So what do you think of the prologue. BEWARE this could get interesting... :D *gasp it's so shiny. *points at smiley face.**


	2. Twinkies and Caf Pow

**Another chapter in my magical Crack!fic. Just to get this out of the way now before I start rambling; I do not own NCIS, nor do I own Caf!Pow, Twinkies, or Vance's left kidney... I will let you sit on that...**

****

Tony rushed past the half naked supposedly dead Director up the stairs to Vance's office. Still drooling from his encounter with the slightly tanner Jenny. He wondered how she got that, and shuddered at the thought. Tony ran past Cynthia, who was currently singing along to a song that someone had published that morning entitled Vance Is Dead, So Sing Damnit.

**Praise whomever you worship,**

**Vance the power hungry, egotistical, bastard is dead,**

**SINGGGGGGG-,**

**SINGGGGGGG-,**

**La la lalalala, **

**LA------ LA------,**

**Now I, Cynthia do not have to work with said egotistical bastard!!!**

Tony guessed that it was Cynthia's doing. But, he wasn't sure. You never could be with those "Praise the lord, Vance is dead" songs floating around NCIS in the past three hours. Tony smiled devilishly as he marched over to Vance's desk. Propping his feet up on this he sighed contently.

"I've wanted to do that for ages.", He smiled.

"Do what?", That same creepy voice asked.

"Ya just did it last week when Vance was in LA.", It jeered.

"Really? Wow. Wow. Really? Wo-", Tony started on a "Wow, really" rant before he was interrupted by that disturbing Madame Alexander voice.

"Ha. I bet you can't find me!", It jeered, again. Tony opened up a drawer to find a Twinkie, with a mouth on it, talking???

"Well, ha to you. Bastard.", Tony jeered back.

"Twinkies can not be bastards Tony.", Ziva replied as she sashayed into Vance's office, a Caf!Pow in her hand with the same mouth.

"Well Caf!Pows can't be either, but you said the same thing-", the smart-ass Caf!Pow quickly got a piece of tape over it's lips.

"Whoa, momma.", The Twinkie let out a cat call whistle and was promptly kicked from Tony's hand.

"What have we told you about violence Ziva?", Tony asked in a scolding voice.

"Nothing.", Ziva replied innocently and shook her Caf!Pow.

"You owe me ten dollars.", Tony announced.

"No, you owe me ten dollars.", Ziva took a step toward him, getting a devilish glint in her eye.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!", Tony screamed, running out of the room and smashing the Twinkie on the way out.

****

Tony, once again was sitting at his desk, staring at the tan redhead in the black string bikini who had not moved an inch since he got back. It was a little odd to say the least. She nor Gibbs was saying anything, they were just staring the other down. Until finally, they launched themselves at each other, making out.

"Ew.", Tony managed to squeak out, before Ziva walked up behind him.

"I told you so.", She smirked.

You didn't tell me anything!", Tony exclaimed.

"Did so!"

"Did not!"

"Did to!"

"Di-mmph!", Ziva was cut off by Tony who slapped his hand over her mouth.

"They're gonna have freaking sex on Gibbs' desk.", Tony whisper-yelled excitedly.

"Tony, you are so immature. You did not freak out like this when we did it...", Ziva sighed dejectedly.

"We didn't do it on a desk, in front of a hundred people...", Tony trailed off.

"You put it on the internet!", Ziva accused, still whisper yelling.

"That doesn't count...", Tony, again, was at a loss for words.

**Heh. I was quite amused by that. Don't worry, the importance of the Left Kidney will be brought up Thursday. Right after Tony and Ziva have a little discussion about why putting a video of them having sex on the internet was a bad idea... But, I can't do this all by myself, I appreciate your ideas, comments, and flames. (Hey, you took time to tell me how bad it sucked. And I thank you for that.) :D**


	3. Elevators, Desks, and Lots of Lovin

**I decided to update early, considering I leave for the magical land of Iowa Wednesday. So, before I start rambling, I would like you all to know that I do own Hesa Pervhurt, Jenny and Tony's choice in clothing (or lack thereof), but, on the contrary, I do not own NCIS or Vance's left kidney.**

"I don't get why it was suck a bad idea!", Tony whined. Somehow they had ended up under his desk again.

"Someone called me ninja hottie in the grocery store yesterday!", Ziva exclaimed.

"Still. It was fun...", Tony sighed, getting a big smile on his face as he heard an oof and someone (or someones) fall from the desk of Gibbs.

"Quit being immature.", Ziva scolded.

"Quit being bad ass.", Tony mock scolded back.

"No!", Ziva sounded offended.

"No!", Tony mocked in a girly slightly accented voice.

"Tony.", Ziva warned.

"Tony.", Tony continued to mock her in a girly voice. Ziva hit him upside the head and they stood up from under the desk when the elevator dinged. Overlooking Gibbs and Jenny, having sex behind Gibbs' desk. Palmer though, being the pervert he was did not overlook this as he walked out of the elevator.

"Wow.", Palmer muttered.

"Stop gawking, gremlin.", Tony smiled hostilely at him, which Ziva then mimicked. Palmer shuddered.

"Hey, I saw your guys' video. That was pretty-", Palmer started, only to be interrupted by Jenny.

"Hot.", She said in a breathy voice. "I thought so too. Good use of-", Jenny was stopped by Ziva storming out of the room and into the elevator, Tony close behind, smiling all the way.

"Director I thought you were-", Palmer tried again, only to be interrupted by Jenny's "during sex" voice.

"Dead. Yes, and, before you ask, Satan is terrible at Gin.", Jenny, returned to Gibbs, leaving a dumbfounded Palmer standing in the middle of the bullpen.

"I thought you said Poker!", Tony shouted from the elevator.

"Yes, and Shang-Hi-Rummy!", Ziva chimed, speaking in her "sex voice", Rummy was punctuated with her scream of "Oh Tony".

"Wow, I, um, think I'll take the stairs...", Palmer proceeded to go down the stairs, wondering what was going on.

****

Abby and McGee's IM conversation

Gothchic114- Timmy! What are they doing, I can't get an elevator?

Thom67- Gibbs and Jenny are, wait, were having sex on Gibbs' desk, they just fell off...

Gothchic114- Where r Tony and Ziva?

Thom67- I think having sex in the elevator.

Gothchic114- Wow, bout time.

Thom67- Yeah. It's gross though.

Gothchic114- No, it's really hot, I'm looking at the camera right now. But the angle is really bad...

Thom67- Can I come 'help' you with that?

Gothchic114- Sure!

Gothchic114- Wait, Tim...

Gothchic114- Timmy?

Gothchic114- Damnit Tim! I don't need 'help', I need a better angle.

Thom67- Damn. Do it yourself.

Gothchic114- You're no fun...

Gothchic114- Probie...

Thom67 has signed out.

Gothchic114- I will kill that man.

Gothchic114- And then write a tell all...

Gothchic114- Yeah.

****

In the elevator... Later... Meaning after Tony and Ziva had sex... Again...

"Tony, should we get back to work?", Ziva asked, her voice scratchy, she was indeed a screamer.

"No.", he muttered, half asleep.

"We are using the elevator, everyone must use the stairs.", Ziva reasoned with him.

"So.", Tony mumbled, starting to drool. Ziva stood up, seeming to drop it, she put her clothes on and flicked the switch. Leaving a naked Tony seconds to get his clothes on, which he did not do. When the doors opened a butt naked Tony was splayed out in the elevator for all to see, while Ziva exited with a smirk on her face, and some serious sex hair.

**Hah! That was fun to write. I just hope that Tony can get some pants on before Gibbs gets a hold of him... Heh, Ziva with sex hair... An interesting picture... Well, you might get a chapter tomorrow, it depends, but, you will not get one Thursday, Friday, or Saturday, you might get one Wednesday, but, I can't be sure... I do not want to write this in front of my six year old cousin who does not grasp the concept of shh, that's a naughty word. Hence the singing of 3oh!3 songs... :D**


	4. McHorny and The All Knowing Ducky

Woo hoo! It's been ages since I updated. For that I apologize. So, here's an update.

Disclaimer: I woke up this morning. I realized then, that I only own what's in my bedroom, and, some of that is not even mine. So, no, I'm sorry to disappoint, but, I do not own NCIS, but, to the lucky bastard who does... I loathe you.

**-NCISONCRACK!-**

Thom67 has logged on.

Gothchic114: Timmy, you know I luv you. :)

Thom67: Really?

Gothchic114: As a friend, stupid.

Thom67: Why?

Gothchic114: Why? Because u yelled another woman's name while we were having sex in a coffin! My coffin!

Thom67: I said it was an accident!

Thom67: OMG, Ziva has sex hair.

Gothchic114: Where's Tony?

Thom67: IDK

Gothchic114: Come down here.

Thom67: THANK YOU!

Thom67 has logged off.

Gothchic114: NOT FOR THAT!!!

Gothchic114: Shit...

Gothchic114 has logged off.

**-NCISONCRACK-**

"Tony! Why are you in the elevator... Naked...", McGee stepped into the elevator and looked down at Tony who was still slumped on the floor of the elevator.

"Why do you think McNo-Life.", Tony snapped as he grabbed his clothes off the ground and put them on. The elevator jerked to a stop and dinged, as the doors opened. Smirking as he got off the elevator with Tim close behind.

"Hey Abs!", Tony called into the lab, which was surprisingly not blaring music. Tim walked in behind him, looking awkward next to Tony who was reeking of masculinity, sex, and Ziva's perfume. Abby peeked out from under her desk, seeing McHorny next to Tony she quickly ducked back under.

**-NCISONCRACK-**

"Doctor Mallard?", Palmer asked, walking back into autopsy. He looked around and only saw Vance's body lying on the table. He smiled, Vance was dead, today was a great day. A great day...

"What do you want Mister Palmer?", Ducky asked as he walked out of the closet.

"Director Shepard is upstairs... She's alive, and having sex with Gibbs...", Palmer shivered involuntarily.

"I know.", Ducky said as he put gloves on and went back to looking at Vance. Making a large cut where the kidney's were.

"How did you know?", Palmer questioned, getting a little creeped out.

"I know everything, like how Tony and Ziva put a video of themselves having sex on the internet, and how Gibbs is turned on by sanding his boat, and how Abby calls Timothy McHorny behind hi-", Ducky was cut off by Palmer screaming and running out of Autopsy, to the elevator, which smelt a lot like Tony did, minus the masculinity. He was panting as he made it into the elevator.

"Whew.", he said, wiping the nervous sweat off of his forehead as he pressed the button for the ground floor. This day was surreal. Vance dead, Jenny was back, everyone was really horny, really, really horny, and he didn't have any work to do. A very odd day indeed.

"Mister Palmer.", said the voice of the magical talking Twinkie. Palmer looked around franticly, this was scary.

"Come and get me Mister Palmer.", It teased.

**-NCISONCRACK-**

Ooh goodie, I hope you all enjoy and give my review button a workout.

-Damie


End file.
